2016

The year is almost come to an end, we'll be saying goodbye to 2016.
This post is not going to be poetic-ly deep like usual, I just want to thank 2016 for all the ups and downs.

I have to admit, the year has been challenging for me.

Dear 2016,

I want to thank someone who taught me that 'love' is not enough to make someone stays. I've experienced the real heartbreak that changed my whole perspective of love. It turned out that 'love' is not enough to make sure someone is faithful. And sometimes not all "I love you" comes from the heart. That person also taught me that when you love someone, it doesn't necessarily means they'll love you back. People changes, they get bored. And that there is no forever.

I also want to thank someone who helped me through the heartbreak, gave me moral support until I can finally be myself again. That person showed me that there are a lot of beautiful things that I missed out while I was grieving. Unfortunately, that person is like a rainbow. He came and gave colours to  my life, and after it became colourful, he left because his job is done. (Also, he literally moved to another city).

Friends.
They're the people who lend me their ears to listen to any stories, mostly pointless. They were the ones who are willing to stay and gave me heaps of advice. They're constantly trying to make jokes and they made my day better. We went on adventures, we ate junk foods, we went to the beach, we partied, we did stupid things together. They were the ones who are willing to listen to my crap through call or face-to-face, even at midnight. Hey, even "thank you" is not enough to tell you how grateful I am to be surrounded by beautiful and amazing people like youse.

Family.
We may fight sometimes....most of the times, actually. But I can't imagine my life without them. It will probably be dull and flat. I won't be able to live without my sister's bad jokes, my mom's food, and my dad's advices. Sometimes he gives me good advices. Most importantly, I won't be able to live without the endless support and love from them. They're the best.

Now, let's give 2017 a warm welcome.
I wish everything is going to be better.
I hope 2017 will be filled with laughter, always surrounded by great friends, getting financially stable, and everyone to find their own happiness.

Like it was yesterday.

We were sitting on the couch

You were saying "babe we need to talk"

You told me that you're going to move

In two weeks time

Now it's about eight months

Since the day you left me, 8th of April.

About six months

Since you cut me off, 1st of May.

Don't know what I did wrong,

I thought we remain friends.

I thought I built a concrete wall inside my heart

To keep me from breaking down from the thoughts of you.

I froze my heart

Because I don't want to repeat what happened six months ago.

In August you texted me,

I assumed we're fine

At least fine enough

Until you decided to disappear again.

As if you're gone with the wind.

I told everyone I'm over you

I told everyone I can't feel love anymore

When the truth is, you left a big hole in my heart.

What's left is just pain, I'm too scared to fall in love.

The concrete wall that I built is broken,

It couldn't handle the emotions

That's trying to escape.  

I remember you told me

"Never cry over boys"

Yet here I am, crying over you.

I remember you told me

"There will be someone who will love you permanently"

Yet here I am, mourning over a rainbow.

Such irony. 

How a month could give me this much hollow.

How a month could leave a big scar.

Honestly, I'm scared there will be no one like you.

Someone who opens the door for his girl.

Someone who's being so protective when taking a night walk.

Someone who is caring and genuine.

I remember on your last day you picked me up from the train station,

And we walked home together,

But you stopped by at a small balcony above the indoor pool

Just to talk to me.

It was about 30 minutes

Of talking and long hugs.

I remember I waited for you every Tuesday at the train station,

Just to walk home together.

I remember we went for a swim almost every weekend.

I remember you tried to make time for me,

Squeeze me in your busy schedule,

At least every once a week we get to sit at the apartment's park

And talk about how our days been.

I remember the time you looked at me in the eyes and say:

"I'll have to go now"

Like it was just yesterday.

But I also remember,

You came to my life as a rainbow.

We knew from the beginning that Us are just temporary.

You came to my life to give colours and once my life is colourful,

Your job is done.

You left me with the feeling of emptiness.

A colourful world without anyone living in it.

A colourful world that slowly fades.

And turned into black and white,

Once again.

Stranger with lots of memories.

I thought I'm all fine now.

I thought it won't affect me 

to see him.

To see how he is enjoying the new chapter that he writes in his brand new book.

Book of life.

I thought my heart is stone cold

I thought my heart can't feel any love-related pain anymore.

I thought wrong.

It still affect me so much

To see him grinning in a photo,

To see him talking about how he's tired from cycling.

Oh, he started cycling now.

Maybe he stopped swimming?

Maybe he stopped playing basketball?

Or maybe cycling is just his way of relieving stress.

I used to be a part of it.

He told me what he's been doing.

He asked me to join.

He encouraged me to get my ass off my couch and exercise.

I knew him.

I don't know him now.

I saw everything and...

It's like I'm looking at a stranger.

Stranger with a lot of memories.

Questions, Questions.

Have you ever feel like you're starting to catch a feeling?
Yeah. That happened.

It's so confusing.
When you didn't see it coming
You know you're not ready to feel love
After what happened,
after what you've been through.

It baffles me.
How...
You know the scar is still there,
and it's feels wrong-
'cause you feel like you don't deserve it.

It's so confusing.
When his presence makes you happy.
When you get that warm feeling inside,
just by talking to him.
When you feel that burned sensation
as you see him talking to someone else.

It's weird.
Because you don't want to ruin the friendship
that is already built.
But you just can't control the feelings
Being in a dilemma,
knowing there are so many things to consider
and all the 'what ifs' that haunts you.

The thought of love is confusing.
Am I in love?
Or just a temporary desire
that will soon be my instant regret,
for letting it dominating my mind?

An uncertainty.

Sugar turns sour,

The sun shines too brightly,

Your favourite food doesn't taste like home anymore,

Takes you a lot of effort to appreciate what you have now.

You start to enjoy stuff you used to hate.

Black coffee doesn't taste that bitter,

Cigarettes do not suffocate you,

And alcohol is what you need to keep you numb.

Life is slowly becoming dull.

The colours are slowly fading,

becoming black and white.

You live life in slow-motion.

Craving for numbness,

wanting to become a zombie,

heartless.

You just want to sit still.

You look at the window,

letting your mascara smudge,

holding a bottle of vodka on your left hand

and a stalk of cigarette on your right.

Waiting.

Waiting for nothing,

Waiting for what will never come back.

Letting your delusional mind take charge,

Letting your ignorance give you hope-

naive, they say.

Hanging on to that little piece of hope- false hope, maybe.

The Realisation.

When you find someone better,

someone who was once broke your heart

will be forgiven.

When you find someone better,

you realise the previous one

was a lesson.

The memories,

the scars,

and the feelings

will still be there.

But it's not gonna be as painful anymore,

It's not gonna "kill" you anymore.

It'll be a friendly reminder

that you survived life.

You survived what you thought 

was the worst thing

that ever happened.

It's a reminder

that you're alive. 

Stuck In A Dark Room.

Stuck in a dark room.

Can't see my way out

but I'm refusing to light the candle.

Sitting in the middle of the room

with the ghost of the past

that haunts me with memories.

I'm dormant to everyone but you.

Blossom when I'm with you.

A part of me wants to let go,

but heart decides how it goes.

Stuck in a dark room.

Knowing how to run away

but there's a little hope

that prevents me from running.

I hear your voice, calling my name but...

That's not you.

That's the voice of the past.

When you were still you.

When we were still us.

When I was outside the dark room.

What I Learned From You

I wonder is that easy for you to forget someone that had been through a lot  with you?

I wonder is that easy for you to forget all the memories, literally tons of memories of us?

I wonder...do you still think of...me? Us?

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Ever since we broke up, my life is upside down. I forgot how to live without a special someone, without you. It's upside down because I'm not just losing 'a boyfriend'. I know I've lost a partner.

We were a team.

We talked, we laughed, we argued, we dreamed, we did almost everything together. Remember when we were arguing about how many children or the gender of our 'future children'? That was pretty funny hahaha! And I still remember how I got Munchy that small Teddy bear with a red t-shirt that says "i love you"... You got me for our first anniversary and I remember when you gave me Popo that stuffed panda doll at the park near the school, I still remember perfectly. Even when we were doing a long distance relationship I always tell you everything I do, wherever I go, who did I hang out with, everything. I know it's not like you're gonna get jealous and freak out. I know you're not that kind of guy, but I just wanna tell you so that you'll know I was being a good girl hahaha...

And to be honest, if I have to make a ratio of happiness vs sadness when we were together, it'll be 80:20. I was quite a happy girl.😁

During our time together, I learned so much. I learned to suck everything up when I argue with my parents or sister. I learned to love myself (because you hate it when I'm self-conscious about my body), I learned to love someone entirely, I learned to take care of myself (like eating properly and on time), and of course...I learned to be mature when taking care of my problems. And for that, I thank you.

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And from you, I learned that there is no forever. I learned that some dreams are meant to be just a dream. I learned that love can die eventually from lack of physical touch or communication. I also learned that...there is no point in keeping a relationship if it's only one person that puts up so much efforts in. And for that, I also thank you.

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I wish you nothing but the best.

Oh and I also learned that if I really love someone I must let them go and let them be happy without me, even though I am here trying to be strong and faking a smile and in so much pain. So much that I can even feel a physical pain, not just an emotional pain.

Thank you. I learned many things. Now good luck reaching your dreams, find your happiness, do what you think best. I will look at you from the distance and pray for your best.