An uncertainty.

Sugar turns sour,

The sun shines too brightly,

Your favourite food doesn't taste like home anymore,

Takes you a lot of effort to appreciate what you have now.

You start to enjoy stuff you used to hate.

Black coffee doesn't taste that bitter,

Cigarettes do not suffocate you,

And alcohol is what you need to keep you numb.

Life is slowly becoming dull.

The colours are slowly fading,

becoming black and white.

You live life in slow-motion.

Craving for numbness,

wanting to become a zombie,

heartless.

You just want to sit still.

You look at the window,

letting your mascara smudge,

holding a bottle of vodka on your left hand

and a stalk of cigarette on your right.

Waiting.

Waiting for nothing,

Waiting for what will never come back.

Letting your delusional mind take charge,

Letting your ignorance give you hope-

naive, they say.

Hanging on to that little piece of hope- false hope, maybe.

The Realisation.

When you find someone better,

someone who was once broke your heart

will be forgiven.

When you find someone better,

you realise the previous one

was a lesson.

The memories,

the scars,

and the feelings

will still be there.

But it's not gonna be as painful anymore,

It's not gonna "kill" you anymore.

It'll be a friendly reminder

that you survived life.

You survived what you thought 

was the worst thing

that ever happened.

It's a reminder

that you're alive. 

Stuck In A Dark Room.

Stuck in a dark room.

Can't see my way out

but I'm refusing to light the candle.

Sitting in the middle of the room

with the ghost of the past

that haunts me with memories.

I'm dormant to everyone but you.

Blossom when I'm with you.

A part of me wants to let go,

but heart decides how it goes.

Stuck in a dark room.

Knowing how to run away

but there's a little hope

that prevents me from running.

I hear your voice, calling my name but...

That's not you.

That's the voice of the past.

When you were still you.

When we were still us.

When I was outside the dark room.

What I Learned From You

I wonder is that easy for you to forget someone that had been through a lot  with you?

I wonder is that easy for you to forget all the memories, literally tons of memories of us?

I wonder...do you still think of...me? Us?

-----------

Ever since we broke up, my life is upside down. I forgot how to live without a special someone, without you. It's upside down because I'm not just losing 'a boyfriend'. I know I've lost a partner.

We were a team.

We talked, we laughed, we argued, we dreamed, we did almost everything together. Remember when we were arguing about how many children or the gender of our 'future children'? That was pretty funny hahaha! And I still remember how I got Munchy that small Teddy bear with a red t-shirt that says "i love you"... You got me for our first anniversary and I remember when you gave me Popo that stuffed panda doll at the park near the school, I still remember perfectly. Even when we were doing a long distance relationship I always tell you everything I do, wherever I go, who did I hang out with, everything. I know it's not like you're gonna get jealous and freak out. I know you're not that kind of guy, but I just wanna tell you so that you'll know I was being a good girl hahaha...

And to be honest, if I have to make a ratio of happiness vs sadness when we were together, it'll be 80:20. I was quite a happy girl.😁

During our time together, I learned so much. I learned to suck everything up when I argue with my parents or sister. I learned to love myself (because you hate it when I'm self-conscious about my body), I learned to love someone entirely, I learned to take care of myself (like eating properly and on time), and of course...I learned to be mature when taking care of my problems. And for that, I thank you.

--------

And from you, I learned that there is no forever. I learned that some dreams are meant to be just a dream. I learned that love can die eventually from lack of physical touch or communication. I also learned that...there is no point in keeping a relationship if it's only one person that puts up so much efforts in. And for that, I also thank you.

------

I wish you nothing but the best.

Oh and I also learned that if I really love someone I must let them go and let them be happy without me, even though I am here trying to be strong and faking a smile and in so much pain. So much that I can even feel a physical pain, not just an emotional pain.

Thank you. I learned many things. Now good luck reaching your dreams, find your happiness, do what you think best. I will look at you from the distance and pray for your best.