Help me understand

I don't understand.

You've been coming to my dreams. For a few days in a row -- almost a week. What does that mean?

You know, things are messy here.

It's been days, and the pain won't go away.

Believe me, I try to keep myself busy so that the thought of you stays hidden.

But there's always things that remind me of you. Either it's your scent, some things that I accidentally do, anything.

I'm trying to let go of you...

But the universe won't let me.

I may be quiet, but I notice everything.

You're getting closer with that girl.

She's slowly becoming a part of your world, eh?

Well... if she can make you forget about me completely, then good on you

...I guess...

Hey,

People are looking for you.

Yes, our old gang.

Ever since you decided to stick with your new circle, your old circle is looking for you.

Through me.

I've tried to invite you to come and hang out with us

Some tried too, and you didn't say anything.

I know you're doing that to avoid meeting me, but they miss you.

They told me they want our old circle back together.

It hurts me, cause this won't happen if we're fine.

I don't understand...

Everything.

Why?

Why is it so hard to get over you?

Why do you keep coming to my dreams?

Why are things so messy now?

Why do we have to ruin all of this?

Why do I have to witness many friendships and relationships broken?

Help me understand...

Tea, spilled.

I may not say it but I notice everything. I notice that you've moved on. I notice that you've found comfort in someone else. Honestly, I think it is very impulsive how you decided leave. It is rather... disrespectful of yourself to move on too quickly. You haven't spend enough time to heal yourself, gather all the broken pieces and stick it all together. Seems like you need someone to help you heal. And I...am amazed.

I have come to a realisation that I've done my part. I have tried so hard to keep you, I have taken care of you, but your demon says it's not enough. Before we broke up, you got caught cozying up with my friend, and it wasn't even me who saw it and they told me. Just days after we broke up, you 'accidentally' kiss a girl because you were "only craving for the physical attention." Boy, trust me. I'm craving for that too, but I kept it because I don't want to do impulsive things and it is a form of respect to the relationship that we had. Now, you're already pursuing a girl. How do I know that? She can't look at me in the eyes now, and you have become so cold to me that I know something is going on. Need I mention that I know you let her borrow the jacket that I bought especially for you as a birthday present too?

You insisted that your demon can't consume other people.
No, honey. It sure can. It really can.

You kept on telling me of how you don't want people to think negatively of you. You were so self conscious about it, about your reputation that you forget about your own happiness. You were so focused on adjusting yourself to the eyes of the society that you forget who you really are. You've lost yourself in people's judgements. 

You were mad at me because I was showing my sadness, because you don't like how people will perceive us. Screw them, everyone has been through a heartbreak! You told me you don't want people to see you broken. Because you're afraid people will think that you're less masculine? HONEY, feelings have nothing to do with masculinity. You don't like it when I post pics where you look funny. Why? Is it because you think people will look at you less seriously? And all this time you have twisted the words, making me think that: "oh... am I that horrible of a girlfriend?" and every time I disagree with you, you pulled the 'I have the right' card and started that mind-twisting game of argument that I started to doubt myself. That is the part where your demon is consuming me.

I will not forget all the efforts that you've done to me.
You are my go-to-guy when it comes to academical doubts, you have done so much cute gestures that I will keep in my mind. You took me home when you know my home is too far and you were tired. You took care of me when I'm sick. You've made me a better person, also now a bigger person too.

I didn't write this saying that I have never made a mistake. Oh believe me, we had our fair share of flaws. I have my demon too, I am not perfect, I get jealous easily, I get panic easily, I'm clingy, etc-- But at least I appreciate you as a person who was once given me colours. I guess, for you, what happened this past year is merely nothing. Nothing to be valued more, no more than a lesson. It shows by how quickly you heal yourself. I'm not sure... is it that you're confused with everything that's going on and you're figuring out how to get out of the pain?

To end this, just know that despite everything I'll still wish you all the best. If she can make you happy, then it's good. Please treat her like how you were treating me. I'm happy for you. But if things go South, know that I'm always here and the door is always open.


I'm just writing this to let it out of my head.

Motorcycle Rides

I really enjoy motorcycle rides with you.

Although I won’t get that as often anymore,

heck— the chances are lower each day,

I really do enjoy it.

I want you to know that

I enjoyed hugging you from the back

I enjoyed pinching your tummy

and I enjoyed resting my head on your left shoulder.

Every time you stop at the traffic light and hold my knee,

or when you made stupid jokes while taking me home,

or when you put my hands in the pocket of your jacket,

those are only a few of my favourite moments. 

It’s weird not to pinch your tummy,

or not to hug you from behind,

or not putting my hand inside the pocket of your jacket.

It’s weird that I can only smell your scent—

amazing, as usual—

and forcing myself to think that it’s enough.

What happens after...

 I used to look forward coming home from the campus, cause I can log on to my laptop and have a video call with my favourite person. After that evening, we talked about our uncertain future while sitting outside a fast food joint—accompanied by the thunder, as if it was mourning for us. For witnessing two hearts that really wants to be one, sacrificing their feelings for their clan. That Monday, we were crying. The universe was crying for us too, and we were all grieving.

Now, a few days has passed. I come home to an empty feeling. I come home just to rest my head, hoping I can get away from this— from the reality. I wake up in the morning, struggling to pick up my world that just fell apart. As my friend said to me: “slow and steady. One breath at a time.” I try to pick up the pieces, trying to recollect myself, as I drag myself to face the day. And I believe, he’s having the same struggle. 

He told me to let go of him. As quickly as possible, and…that’s impossible. At least for me. I know I didn’t lose him as my best friend. We’re still very close. But losing him as my significant other has left me a scar, especially knowing that it wasn’t what we both want. And to be frank, it feels like a part of me is missing. Every night, I fall asleep with a fear that one day he decides to leave me for good, completely out of my life and then I wake up feeling even worse.

Tonight, I’m writing this as an escape. Trying to let out all the emotions while slowly trying to pull myself up from this deepest pit of darkness. I’m trying. Slow and steady. One breath at a time. 

Doubt.

Doubt.

It is indeed a recipe for disaster.

I am trying to save it, but I can’t help it—

He doesn’t seem like he wants our relationship to be saved...

Is it worth saving now?

11 PM Thoughts.

The word ‘love’ is just a mere word,

An empty word, a meaningless word.

The word ‘forever’ is just a mere wish,

Even we all will end up buried and forgotten.

At least that’s how I perceived it.

Call me a skeptic, but it’s coming from someone who used to believe in it— before a certain event became a turning point that changed my perspective completely.

I gave my heart to a wrong person and he decided to throw it away and break it, like it’s just a piece of junk. It took me two years... two years to pick up the shattered pieces and stick it all together. I recovered it, with a lot of holes because some of the pieces are way too small to be glued.

Since then, my heart became as fragile as a flower and I shut my self from any approaching men to avoid breaking it again.

Until one day, this particular person came into my life. I wasn’t expecting anything, he was a friend. We only made small talks, until it gradually became a constant text, and eventually to countless calls. We clicked as fast as snapping a finger, and soon I realised that I’m catching feeling. I tried to hold back the feeling because l know it took me years to just heal myself, and I wasn’t even completely healed yet. I kept my heart shut, just like the flower in Beauty and The Beast. 

He told me directly that he felt the same thing. I tried to ignore my feeling and told him that I enjoy talking to him too and that’s it. But each day, I find myself waiting for his replies and craving to hear his voice again. I told myself maybe I’m just comfortable by the way he made me feel. Until one day, I decided to open my heart and say “I think I’m falling for you” and since then, we’re inseparable.

We call most nights, we text everyday, and the best part is... I get to hug him everyday. I didn’t have a big expectation from this relationship. All I know is he makes me happy and that’s it. I can focus on healing myself now, hoping that he would help too.

And he did.

The thing with him is he really love to make small cute gestures like looking at my eyes and make me blush, caressing my hair every time I lean on him, or randomly kissing my head or hand in the middle of a conversation. He never get tired of telling me that I’m beautiful when I feel like i’m not— and it happens everyday. I can safely say I’ve never felt so loved and honestly I feel like he came as a blessing. A blessing to help me change my perspective towards love.

I came to a realisation that not every guy will break you. If you’re in a shit relationship you must be brave to break it off and focus on your own happiness, because you will find someone who will help you mend your broken heart. You will find someone who will return the love that you give to them. Even if it takes two years or maybe more. You have to go through a sea of mud to get to the blue ocean. Therefore, be patient. 

15.03.18

Last night.

I've opened my own scar,
and cut myself deeper.