Tea, spilled.

I may not say it but I notice everything. I notice that you've moved on. I notice that you've found comfort in someone else. Honestly, I think it is very impulsive how you decided leave. It is rather... disrespectful of yourself to move on too quickly. You haven't spend enough time to heal yourself, gather all the broken pieces and stick it all together. Seems like you need someone to help you heal. And I...am amazed.

I have come to a realisation that I've done my part. I have tried so hard to keep you, I have taken care of you, but your demon says it's not enough. Before we broke up, you got caught cozying up with my friend, and it wasn't even me who saw it and they told me. Just days after we broke up, you 'accidentally' kiss a girl because you were "only craving for the physical attention." Boy, trust me. I'm craving for that too, but I kept it because I don't want to do impulsive things and it is a form of respect to the relationship that we had. Now, you're already pursuing a girl. How do I know that? She can't look at me in the eyes now, and you have become so cold to me that I know something is going on. Need I mention that I know you let her borrow the jacket that I bought especially for you as a birthday present too?

You insisted that your demon can't consume other people.
No, honey. It sure can. It really can.

You kept on telling me of how you don't want people to think negatively of you. You were so self conscious about it, about your reputation that you forget about your own happiness. You were so focused on adjusting yourself to the eyes of the society that you forget who you really are. You've lost yourself in people's judgements. 

You were mad at me because I was showing my sadness, because you don't like how people will perceive us. Screw them, everyone has been through a heartbreak! You told me you don't want people to see you broken. Because you're afraid people will think that you're less masculine? HONEY, feelings have nothing to do with masculinity. You don't like it when I post pics where you look funny. Why? Is it because you think people will look at you less seriously? And all this time you have twisted the words, making me think that: "oh... am I that horrible of a girlfriend?" and every time I disagree with you, you pulled the 'I have the right' card and started that mind-twisting game of argument that I started to doubt myself. That is the part where your demon is consuming me.

I will not forget all the efforts that you've done to me.
You are my go-to-guy when it comes to academical doubts, you have done so much cute gestures that I will keep in my mind. You took me home when you know my home is too far and you were tired. You took care of me when I'm sick. You've made me a better person, also now a bigger person too.

I didn't write this saying that I have never made a mistake. Oh believe me, we had our fair share of flaws. I have my demon too, I am not perfect, I get jealous easily, I get panic easily, I'm clingy, etc-- But at least I appreciate you as a person who was once given me colours. I guess, for you, what happened this past year is merely nothing. Nothing to be valued more, no more than a lesson. It shows by how quickly you heal yourself. I'm not sure... is it that you're confused with everything that's going on and you're figuring out how to get out of the pain?

To end this, just know that despite everything I'll still wish you all the best. If she can make you happy, then it's good. Please treat her like how you were treating me. I'm happy for you. But if things go South, know that I'm always here and the door is always open.


I'm just writing this to let it out of my head.