It's midnight and a song reminded me of you

Do you ever think about me too?
When the clock strikes 12, am I the one that keeps you awake?
When you lie on the bed, do you think about the moments we spent together?

It's been awhile and I haven't heard from you

Yet your smile is still circling in my head

It still haunts me

I don't know what you're doing now

And I can't stop thinking about us

What could've been if we put aside our ego

They say love takes effort

And they say relationship takes commitment

They also say... time heals

But why does it seems like the pain won't go away?

I'm trying to keep myself busy, but--

Your face lingers every time I stop

I miss you,

And I hate that I don't know if you miss me too.

Retrospection.

Now I go home alone.

Along the way, I kept on thinking of the days when you used to pick me up from work.

And… I sort of hoped I bumped into your car on the way.

 

The moments when you picked me up cause it’s raining,

That time where we stopped by to get to-go meals,

How did we end up like this?

 

Car rides with you are always fun,

I get to hear how your days been,

We would sing along until our throat hurt,

Gloomy days were not so bad with you around.

 

I hope your days are better than mine,

With less rain and more rainbow.

And I hope one day we get to meet,

Under stars while we watch the moon blooms.

I wish I wasn’t too late.

Midnights are the worst. Because that’s when all the thoughts of you become vivid. That’s when your smile, our conversations, fragments of our moments start to haunt me. 

I don’t know how long will I have to endure this until things eventually become more bearable. Each night I keep on finding myself longing for your hugs. Longing for you.

Those happy moments feel like a nightmare.

I’ve been forcing myself to sleep it off, hoping that I can escape from thoughts of you. But you’re haunting me in my dreams. You’re running around in my mind, as if you have nowhere to go.

I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me for one last time... I wish I hugged you longer... so at least there’s something for you to remember after you leave. 

Closure.

  

I’ve decided that some things are not worth keeping. And sometimes, not getting an answer is a form of closure. I tried. I tried to get a closure. I asked.

 

Here’s the thing. I am generally not a smoker (only when I drink whiskey, which is also super rare) and I won’t consider myself as an alcoholic as well since I hate the taste of it, but lately I found myself holding a cigarette while sitting alone with my mind straying away and drinking alcohol- a lot of it- just so that I can keep my mind from thinking about this reality. Our reality. I’m trying to grasp this… trying to reason with your disappearance. I’m trying to understand, find an angle that makes the most sense for why you left just like that.

 

You did it once, you started to become distant and slowly disappear as if I was no one. As if I was never important. But you came back when I told you that I will let you go. You asked for mercy. You asked for another chance. You promised that it won’t happen again.

 

But it happened again… this time, it is worse.

 

I tried to reason with you again.

I asked you why this is happening again.

And this time, you’re really not coming back.

 

I feel even more worthless than when you did it the first time. I start questioning myself. Am I worth it? Is this all my fault? I’m not even sure if I deserve to feel loved. Because every time I feel loved, there’s always a sick plot twist after it.

 

Was it just a lie when you said that you love me? Was it just an act that you put in front of my face because you know that I do love you and you feel bad if you don’t say it back?

I pictured our future together. I could've sworn you said the same thing. Now it's just a shed of memory that fades. 

 

I’ve searched for you, I called for you, but you’re not answering.

Until I’m too tired to call.

Now I leave the door unlocked, hoping you would come home.

 

You left. That’s my closure.