An irony

Picking up the pieces that shattered,
I’m trying to fix myself again.
Learned that at the end of the day,
I’m the only one that I can rely on.

Had some of the best memories with you,
What a shame you tore it apart.
Wanting to leave things clear between us,
Didn’t know that you’d twist everything.

You said “I want to fix myself first”,
But you ended up visiting your past.
It’s funny how I’m not even surprised,
I just thought age has changed you.

I trusted you
When you said you were serious.
Until I found out that you told her the same thing
If you weren’t sure, then why begin?

Then you said “sorry I couldn’t fight my personal issue”,
But it looks like you did it purposely.
It has become addictive to you,
You don’t want to stop until you overdose.

Maybe it’s for the best.
Maybe I’m not meant for you.
I guess it’s alright,
As long as she loves you.

It's midnight and a song reminded me of you

Do you ever think about me too?
When the clock strikes 12, am I the one that keeps you awake?
When you lie on the bed, do you think about the moments we spent together?

It's been awhile and I haven't heard from you

Yet your smile is still circling in my head

It still haunts me

I don't know what you're doing now

And I can't stop thinking about us

What could've been if we put aside our ego

They say love takes effort

And they say relationship takes commitment

They also say... time heals

But why does it seems like the pain won't go away?

I'm trying to keep myself busy, but--

Your face lingers every time I stop

I miss you,

And I hate that I don't know if you miss me too.

Retrospection.

Now I go home alone.

Along the way, I kept on thinking of the days when you used to pick me up from work.

And… I sort of hoped I bumped into your car on the way.

 

The moments when you picked me up cause it’s raining,

That time where we stopped by to get to-go meals,

How did we end up like this?

 

Car rides with you are always fun,

I get to hear how your days been,

We would sing along until our throat hurt,

Gloomy days were not so bad with you around.

 

I hope your days are better than mine,

With less rain and more rainbow.

And I hope one day we get to meet,

Under stars while we watch the moon blooms.

I wish I wasn’t too late.

Midnights are the worst. Because that’s when all the thoughts of you become vivid. That’s when your smile, our conversations, fragments of our moments start to haunt me. 

I don’t know how long will I have to endure this until things eventually become more bearable. Each night I keep on finding myself longing for your hugs. Longing for you.

Those happy moments feel like a nightmare.

I’ve been forcing myself to sleep it off, hoping that I can escape from thoughts of you. But you’re haunting me in my dreams. You’re running around in my mind, as if you have nowhere to go.

I wish I could tell you how much you mean to me for one last time... I wish I hugged you longer... so at least there’s something for you to remember after you leave. 

Closure.

  

I’ve decided that some things are not worth keeping. And sometimes, not getting an answer is a form of closure. I tried. I tried to get a closure. I asked.

 

Here’s the thing. I am generally not a smoker (only when I drink whiskey, which is also super rare) and I won’t consider myself as an alcoholic as well since I hate the taste of it, but lately I found myself holding a cigarette while sitting alone with my mind straying away and drinking alcohol- a lot of it- just so that I can keep my mind from thinking about this reality. Our reality. I’m trying to grasp this… trying to reason with your disappearance. I’m trying to understand, find an angle that makes the most sense for why you left just like that.

 

You did it once, you started to become distant and slowly disappear as if I was no one. As if I was never important. But you came back when I told you that I will let you go. You asked for mercy. You asked for another chance. You promised that it won’t happen again.

 

But it happened again… this time, it is worse.

 

I tried to reason with you again.

I asked you why this is happening again.

And this time, you’re really not coming back.

 

I feel even more worthless than when you did it the first time. I start questioning myself. Am I worth it? Is this all my fault? I’m not even sure if I deserve to feel loved. Because every time I feel loved, there’s always a sick plot twist after it.

 

Was it just a lie when you said that you love me? Was it just an act that you put in front of my face because you know that I do love you and you feel bad if you don’t say it back?

I pictured our future together. I could've sworn you said the same thing. Now it's just a shed of memory that fades. 

 

I’ve searched for you, I called for you, but you’re not answering.

Until I’m too tired to call.

Now I leave the door unlocked, hoping you would come home.

 

You left. That’s my closure.

 

Momentary

As I sit alone, looking out this huge window

Alone in a coffee shop thinking about how things have been.

I remember you said you love me, I trusted you with it.

Now it sounds like a word that you say just to satisfy my ears.

As Finneas and Wafia's The Ending is playing, everything is swirling inside my brain.

All these efforts I've been making to be better- I don't see the same from you.

You tell me what I want to hear, but you don't show it.

You're playing with my emotion as if it's a fun Lego that you can assemble and break once things go wrong.

They say honesty and communication is key, so simple yet seems impossible.

I was fixated on you, to have a future with you is something that I dream of.

Now that sweet dream is fading.

It becomes a bitter shadow, waiting to turn into a sour nightmare.

I take my "I Love You"s very... very seriously.

But it seems like yours is just momentary.

For the future

I can almost feel you here
With the warmth feeling so near
We were so happy
But now we're history

I used to think you were the one
Until I had to let you run
Away to another home
Guarded by another gnome

They're meant to protect houses from evil
But then it's you, the devil
I'm still struggling to heal
And I thought this is unreal

I know one day I'll be alright
Holding my heart very tight
To give it to the right person
Another you, but better version